2010 Holiday Gift Guide

December 24, 2009

I Won You

How to Intimidate Friends and Conquer Enemies
By Jimmy Slade

A combination of competitive biography and guide to athletic and psychological domination, Jimmy Slade’s latest literary feat, “I Won You,” offers the knowledge and intuition that can only be earned on the road to greatness.

Sample Chapters

1. Never relent, regardless of age.
—At the age of 37, Slade still found himself in the finals of the Pipe Masters, an event he’s won 7 times! Do you think he backs down to next-generation super talents like Carissa Morre? Heck No! Neither should you.

2. Never look away.
—Known for his green-eyed “thousand yard gaze,” Slade illustrates how to dominate opponents before they ever hit the water with one unblinking stare down.

3. Never pay.
—As Slade knows well, the first one to pay, is the first loser. Is there a bill coming your way? Duck. Do you owe money on a bet? Skip their calls. On a date? Stick her with the check.

4. Better look out, someone just might win You!
—Even though you’re accustomed to being on top, you want to win at everything, including love. And when you’re playing from your weak points, that’s when somebody is going to try to win You!

5. If somebody does win You, you better win them back.
—Let’s face it, people are human. Not everybody can win fair and square all of the time. This is when you go super-human and use telekinesis, telepathy and regular lies.

6. Once you succeed . . . re-succeed.
—Even though you won once, that’s not enough. Win again. 9 Times.

Spray for your hoo ha

Ladies, does your old wetsuit ever leave you with that “not so fresh feeling?” Fret no longer. Now there’s SPRUNT  spray for your hoo ha.

Slater Chia Pet

Is there someone on your Christmas list who’s old enough to remember the Momentum Generation? Does the surfer in your life pine for the old days? Help that old school ripper turn back the clock with the Kelly Slater Chia Pet. By applying the patented Chia Pet seeds, you can turn back the clock while watching the nine-time world champ’s scalp go from championship stubble to Jimmy Slade waves.

AKA, The SUP Torpedo

Your worries are over. Do us all a favor and arm your shred stick with this nifty new gadget  and eliminate the SUP clutter in our lineups .  Brought to you by the engineers at Haliburton

Alaia Fins
by Morey Boogie

Do you miss the top turn? The cut back? Do you want to perform as well as you used to?

Experts like Rasta and the Malloy brothers agree there’s nothing faster in hot point break action than the ancient Alaia board. And now that you have one too, you can make it surf like a real board with Morey Boogie’s removable Alaia fins.

Morey Boogey, adding performance to the latest trends!

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Grubby Clark Shuts Down Ocean

December 5, 2009

Clark delighted to see ocean silented

Clark delighted to see ocean silenced

December 5th, 2008

At 12:18 p.m. today, three years after the sudden and unexpected closure of Clark Foam, Grandpa Gordon “Grubby” Clark announced that he has literally “shut down” the ocean. The statement arrived via fax machines at entities as disparate as NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration), SIMA (Surf Industry Manufacturer’s Association), Gov. Schwarzenegger’s office and the White House.

The fax claimed that “any swell now in the world’s oceans merely represents resonant storm activity, and the ocean will go completely flat in 7 to 10 days time.” Much like the cryptic fax of 2005, which caused upheaval throughout the surf world, the statement contained no explanation for the seemingly chaotic, and mean-spirited decision.

While pundits argue how such a feat could possibly be attained, those close to Clark’s former operation insist that his claims must be given credence. News of the ocean closure rippled through Congress as well as the nation’s scientific community today, yet first to take decisive action was Billabong USA’s C.E.O. Paul Naude. The South African surf industry magnate sent big-wave riders Mike “Snips” Parsons and partner Brad Gerlach into the deep sea, abreast their jet skis, with a mandate to quickly discover the source of the cloggage. Gerlach reportedly surrendered a spot at a casting call for “Gossip Girl,” to take up the challenge. Parson’s wouldn’t cease preparation for even a moment to comment on the unprecedented adventure.

“Bru, this mandate outweighs the Billabong XXL awards exponentially,” Naude said. “How can we be expected to support Andy’s rehabilitation without surf affiliated T-shirt sales?”

Meanwhile, Surfline.com’s Sean Collins is said to have attained a portion of the recent $700 billion bailout package. The funds were intended to advance his work with the wind turbine industry in an attempt to create “subscription-based” surfing. According to insiders, the technology allows Surfline.com to focus a wave, within three meters, at any given subscriber (but only for “premium members”).

“Without this wind turbine thing, surfers have no hope of hitting a lip anywhere,” a source close to Collins said. “He’s finally found a way to corner the market. We anticipate he’ll acquire Baja California at any moment now. He’s setting himself up to be the new ‘Grubby Clark.'”

Critics of the real Grubby Clark remain confident in the opinion: “Still piping hot he wasn’t able to squash all of surfing in 2005, it appears that he’s finally cemented his legacy.”

At the very least, say many shapers, it will ruin another Holiday season for surfboard craftsmen everywhere.

Schematic used in engineering the Ocean Shut Down Machine

Schematic used in engineering the Ocean Shut Down Machine