Rehab Love Child Gets First Pit

October 1, 2009

Andy’s and Amy’s Spawn Pitted – Mickey Claims Babrobotreport header shortby


missing link equation


When this photo arrived at Brobot Report headquarters, the first editor to view it said: “What an ugly baby.”

“But wait,” said Fletcher’s Monkey, “that baby is getting a sick pit, and it looks like it’s about, what? A year old?”

monkey brobot randominium headquarters

While most babies begin to walk between 9 and 12 months, experts brought in to examine the photo confirmed the assistant’s original estimate. The female child pulling into the left breaking shore pound—at what looked to be Ehukai Beach Park—appeared to be between nine months and a year old. And although this is normal for walking development, the style this baby presented standing tall in the tube seemed incredible. Also unusual about the child, however, was her thick black hair. Almost all babies that age grow light hair, if any at all.

The disturbing, albeit, gripping photo consumed Brobot HQ.

Then Brobot’s photo editor commented that the baby’s tube-style looked amazingly like Andy Irons in the 2002 Teahupoo WCT event: regular foot, backside, standing tall, right arm extended straight up.

This analysis spun Brobot Report HQ into a flurry of activity. Working on what they knew to be the facts, staff formulated the thesis that when Andy Irons admitted himself into a drug rehabilitation facility in Oxnard, Calif., after the close of the ’07 season and was still attending by February ’08, he met and had “relations” on or near Amy Winehouse (who also participated in rehab about the same time). If this were true, the baby certainly would have reached the ten month mark.

Could Amy/Mickey be same person?

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What other unholy union could create such a specimen?

The case was broken by Brobot’s North Shore reporter, who found witnesses that claimed to have seen rap sensation Mickey Avalon attempt to swoop a child from the Ehukai shore pound, wherein he was set upon by a woman who looked a lot like a bedraggled, baboon-like Amy Winehouse.

“No,” said another witness, “that really was Amy Winehouse, only without the make-up.” Both witnesses agree, however, that Mickey Avalon screamed, “But I’m her Auntie, I’m her Auntie!” several times before he was subdued.

A third witness refutes this, however, certain at first that there was only the one Amy Winehouse. “The mother was so high,” the witness said, “that she was swinging the baby around screaming, ‘I’m her Auntie.’”

“It was all black hair, dripping sweat, and lipstick everywhere,” the witness said, “A bloody horror show, but I’m certain that there was only one of them. Whether it was Amy Winehouse or Mickey Avalon, I don’t know. Maybe it was both, all of those big-city trannies look alike.”

Media analysts say the real story concerns surf media’s failure to report the massive news that Irons attended rehab in the winter of ’07/08. Critics are especially hard on Surfer magazine publisher Rick Irons whose family connection almost assures his prior knowledge of Andy Irons’ attempt at rehabilitation. An insider who asked not to be named said, “Shame on Billabong, and shame on Rick Irons for concealing this information. Groms everywhere could have benefited from the knowledge that their surf heroes are using performance suppressing drugs. Is there any better reason to avoid them?”

“No can!” cried Ricky Boy in defense, “Uncle Paul and Billabong-kine say talk story ‘bout Andy is kapu. What?! If Surfer talk story on Andy, you tink Billabong gonna pay ‘em big Surfer magazine money? No way, brah. Den what Ricky Boy do? Pick’em pineapple? No way, we gonna bury dat story like suckling pig.”

Responding to Ricky Boy’s comments, Brobot’s North Shore reporter sited Kahuku High School’s official slogan: “If can, can! . . . If no can, chance!”—which translates roughly to, “If you think you can’t do the right thing, you might want to try it anyway. Who knows? You might succeed.”

For his part—like Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, and Neco Padaratz for that matter—sources say that Andy Irons remains firm in the opinion that bodies such as the ASP, media and his new baby-mama should consider his drug use a private matter.

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SURFER MAGAZINE BANKRUPT:

August 6, 2009

Both Financially and In Spirit

MJ main image

A Michael Jackson estate spokesman draws similarities between the two icons

Like the “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, who died at 50 years old last month, the surf world’s “Bible” finds itself long past its glory years, unable to perform, and unrecognizable to fans.

A spokesman from the Michael Jackson estate, who says the star didn’t surf but followed the magazine, couldn’t help but mention the coincidence while delving into Jackson’s archive of Surfer.

Reaching toward a 50th birthday this year, Surfer magazine and its parent company filed for bankruptcy—a situation Jackson had also been teetering on for many months. But it was the magazine’s moral incontinence and lack of loyalty to fans that caused the Jackson estate spokesman to comment publicly. At the media conference, increasing similarities came to light; like the fact that the two icons went through young people to such an untenable extent, that in later years, both were forced to rely on interns and foreign labor.

Surfer forced to sell coveted WhateverLand Ranch property

Surfer forced to sell coveted WhateverLand Ranch property

Sadly, both Jackson and Surfer tried unsuccessfully to reverse course in their final days. In an effort to shore up his finances, Jackson scheduled a series of concerts in London he was clearly unfit to perform. For its part, Surfer forced its staff to take two weeks of unpaid leave and 20-year contributing photographer Tom Servais was dismissed simply because the magazine owed him money it didn’t want to pay. These actions, the spokesman claimed, reveal the nature of the magazine’s decline—examples, he said, of deadbeat practices much like Jackson’s hundred thousand dollar pharmacy bill left unpaid.

One of the world’s greatest performers in his prime, to the credit of his later years, Jackson held enough dignity to die when his star had faded to such a weak glimmer.

Questions of Surfer’s longevity remain.


Bernie Madoff to Back Kelly Slater’s ESPN Tour

July 30, 2009
INSIDE THE SLATERDOME

INSIDE THE SLATERDOME

Jurors From O.J. Simpson’s First Trial to be Head Judges

Most surf news agencies learned that talks had been held between Kelly Slater’s agent Terry Hardy and ESPN representatives concerning a new competitive surfing tour to rival the current A.S.P. Dream Tour from a blog posted by long-time Australian surf journalist Phil Jarratt three weeks ago. Since then, Slater has been adamant that though talks have occurred, nothing has been pinned in ink. ESPN remains silent on the subject. Brobot has learned that discussion of a new platform for pro surfing began in earnest well over a year ago, involved major U.S. corporate backing, and former jurors from O.J. Simpson’s first trial. The over-riding shocker Brobot uncovered this week was that the strongest financial guarantee for Kelly’s new tour came from convicted swindler Bernie Madoff.

Always the insider (in an effort of full disclosure, Brobot’s charity fund, the “Earth Robot Alliance,” invested with Madoff), Brobot caught up with his former acquaintance in jail (see end of article for Brobot’s prison-time difficulties), for what was to be the billionaire grafter’s first media interview. Following the initial pleasantries, the two MENSA members got down to business on the current state of competitive surfing:

Brobot: How is it that a New York financier convicted of bilking billions of dollars from friends and clients emerges as such a potential force in the surf world?

Madoff: Once I got to prison and saw how the Mexican Cartel runs a drug distribution empire from their cells, I thought, hell, the least I can do with my retirement years is run a silly little hobbyists’ tour.

Brobot: Still Mr. Madoff, what element of the story influenced you to come forward as the tour’s backer long before ESPN or Slater confirmed an agreement or further details?

Madoff: When Kelly came to me and said he wanted to replace the tired old system for a new and exciting one, it reminded me of when the Republicans and their friends deregulated the banks. I mean, there’s tons of opportunity there. When you’re rich, old and gray (or bald) some people will believe anything you say. That’s when I like my odds.

Brobot: Didn’t you have any doubts, though? In surfing circles, the Dream Tour has had tremendous moments, and die-hard fans continue to see the A.S.P. as the vehicle to take surfing to the top of the American sporting stratosphere.

Madoff: Well sure, there are a lot of questions. If Kelly starts this tour, and beats all of his competitors, where’s the objectivity? Or, what if Kelly wins a title on his own tour next year, will it count as his tenth? What about the jurors from O.J. Simpson’s first trial, what do they know about surfing?

Brobot: You know as well as I do, that they no nothing. But the contention is, either do the current A.S.P. judges. Are you saying that at least Kelly can rely on O.J.’s jurors to understand an exciting media event when they see one?

Madoff: Too true. But as for the “American sporting stratosphere” as you call it, surfing was already being covered by ABC network television in the 1960s. Remember the Invitational? I’m mean, it’s been nothing but a pack of dope smokers and thugs who’ve run surfing into the ground. Look at that Rabbit, whatchuma’callem . . .

Brobot: Bartholomew.

Madoff: Yeah, him. I gotta hand it to that rascal. From one schemer to another, I say, he saw the writing on the wall and knew when to get out. That’s a heck of a lot better that I did.

Brobot: Mr. Madoff, I can honestly say that it’s a surprise how passionate you are about surfing. But to be frank, there are bigger concerns to organized competitive surfing than Kelly’s potential 10th title. For example, the ownership of web casting for each event has created considerable controversy. Billabong, RipCurl and Quiksilver, etc., own the media they create for each event, and thus in work-a-day matters, also own the A.S.P.

Madoff:: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard that before goyum.

Brobot
: Actually, I’m a robot, which is not Jew nor Gentile. Just steel, aluminum, micro-chips, LCDs . . .

Madoff: Okay, Brobot. Sure the surf mafia own the surf comps. But what Kelly’s supposing is, let’s say they don’t. The internet reception inside my cell isn’t the greatest, but even still, the last three A.S.P. surfing events I’ve watched were terribly narrated by prejudiced commentators, required new software each time, and quit on you just when you’re getting ready to watch that good lookin’ Dane Reynolds do his thing—and that’s gold behind these bars. Have you seen how tight those wetsuits are?

Madoff

Madoff

Now, I happen to know that McDonalds was interested in getting involved in competitive surfing last year. Big time. Not only did they want to fund events, but they wanted to create theme-based sandwiches and happy meals. I saw the mock-ups for the “McJimmy Slade Bottlenose Dolphin Fish Sandwich.” Do you know how upset Slater was when that didn’t happen because the “surf” companies ran a blitz—simply because they’re terrified of real businessmen getting involved. The steam coming out of Slater’s ears could have cooked a thousand of those sandwiches.

Mcjimmyfish-sandwichMcDonald’s Prototype Cuisine – McJimmy Slade Bottlenose Dolphin Fish Sandwich

Brobot: Interesting, Jimmy Slade cooking Jimmy Slade sandwiches . . .

Madoff: You’re missing the point here. Brobot, you seem to be solely considering the mechanics of the situation.

Brobot: Well, I’m a robot.

Madoff: So are the rest of the surf industry. But I’m here to tell you that this is a revolution, one in which the progression of surfing will come out on top.

Brobot: I understand your progressive point of view in this matter, Sir. Thank you for the interview.

Madoff: You betcha. Watch your ass out there, Brobot, you can’t trust anyone these days.

Brobot: No worries, Sir. I’ve got a metal keister. I wish the same too you.

—Brobot

Brobot’s Prison Interview Difficulties:

• Prison official sliced finger on internal shrapnel during Brobot’s cavity search

• His chassis sounded each of the 34 metal detectors

• A prison inmate tried to remove Brobot’s wind-up mechanism to use as shiv

• Madoff thought Brobot was an Eastern European Jew who invested money with Madoff’s firm in 1999, but hadn’t heard the news

Trash Talkin' Monkey

Fletcher's Monkey chimes in


Wardo Appalled by Dream Tour Literacy Rates

July 24, 2009
Cracking Code

Cracking Code

Establishes ASP’s First Reading Group

After five years struggling to qualify for a top 44 berth through the WQS, San Clemente’s Chris Ward was shocked to discover a massive lack in reading skills among his new ASP Dream Tour cohorts. Ward later recalled that at his first event in the big-time, one competitor asked him how to spell “uh.”

“What do you mean, ‘uh?’” Ward asked.

“You know,” replied the current #4, “like ‘uh’ dog, or ‘uh’ cat. Just tell me how to spell it, Seppo.”

“It’s an ‘A,’” Ward said, “as in A.S.P.”

“What? That don’t sound right, does it, mate?” responded the top athlete before returning to fill out his facebook page.

This conversation came as a milestone for Wardo. The problem of literacy amidst such gifted competitors simmered in the back of his mind for several seasons. At first he was savvy enough to imagine that there must be a way to use their inabilities to his own advantage.  He saw a trifecta of drugs, booze and low reading skills at the heart of the Dream Tour’s malaise. Yet, considering Kelly Slater’s relative sobriety and reading acumen, every scenario Ward envisioned still put him at numbers 2 or 3.

Then in January of ’08 Ward was arrested for beating up a couple of girls in Mammoth Lakes, Calif.  At rock bottom in the drunk tank, he realized that taking advantage of others’ weak points—like being girly and not knowing how to hit good—did not necessarily make one stronger.

Understanding that a best case legal scenario would force him into some serious community service hours, Ward decided to take action right then and create his own organization for the advancement of reading skill among top athletes: The Chris Ward Book Club. This humanitarian action just might sway the judge in his upcoming court case, or at least fulfill a community service obligation. And if nothing else, his fellow surfers reading a little bit, well, what could it hurt?

The first meeting of The Chris Ward Book Club kicked off in the competitor’s tent at Sunset Beach during the O’Neill World Cup last December. Other than the fact that it would take place during the comp, this book club was unlike others in that there was no one book to be read. Each competitor was asked to bring their favorite books and read a portion to the group in hopes that those who couldn’t read at all, would be influenced into learning.

Wardo started off by holding up his favorite book. It was titled “Drinking for Dummies.” He couldn’t help but feel pride while looking around the tent and discovering that several surfers brought their own books to read. Adriano De Souza brought “Fast Track to Citizenship,” and Andy Irons brought cult classic “Junky” by William S. Burroughs.

Ward thanked them all for participating and began to read from the chapter: “How to Survive a Bar Room Cat Fight.” Before diving in, Ward pointed out that most of the “dos” and “don’ts” were numbered in this chapter, so the others were able to follow along easily.

Just then, Bruce Irons stumbled into the tent. Ward reacted by raising his book so Bruce could see the title, and then followed by “shushing” the drunken competitor as he continued to babble. “Whoa,” Bruce exclaimed loudly, “Paper puzzles! I haven’t seen so many in one place since I was little keiki kine. I used to stare and stare and never could figa ‘em paper puzzles out.”

“Paper puzzles?” Wardo looked up to ask. “You mean books?”

“Yeah, like math and riddles. Supa’ hard to figa, and with crazy letters. But you guys must be pro readas’, shoots? There’s choke paper puzzles here, brudha.”

Andy Irons quickly stood up and grabbed his younger brother, asking him nicely to sit down and read with the group. “No way Brah!” said Bruce, “dis ‘MY Booze Cruise.’” Andy and Bruce then began to grapple.

Ward decided to read over the ruckus. The others attempted to follow. But then Florida’s C.J. Hobgood stepped into the tent. “Holy Mowly, so many paper puzzles!” said the former champ, “Me and my kin read paper puzzles in a tent every Sunday, same thang just like this. Septin’ we read the same exact book all together, call it the ‘Good Book.’ Me, I like to count to ten, turn the page, and let the preacher feller tell what was said by Jesus and such.”

Adriano De Souza pointed at C.J. and began to laugh. Then Bruce grabbed Andy’s book and threw it at C.J. The Floridian made his fingers into a cross and began to wail the word “Sinners,” over and over while backing out of the tent.  Some say he spoke in “tongues,” others say it was backwoods swamp talk. The rest of the competitors, sensing weakness, pounced on the weakling Christian by throwing their books too. C.J. ducked, the books missed him and the Floridian dodged literacy once again.

That might have been the unfortunate close of the first official Chris Ward Book Club. However, when C.J. went on to win the contest, many of the book club members approached Ward asking about this one “Good Book” of which C.J. spoke and asked, “did it really only take a count of ten to get from the top of one page to the bottom?”

—Brobot


Notorious Bingin Banchong Revealed to Be Surf Star Rob Machado

July 14, 2009
Banchong and Friend

Banchong and Friend

Hurley Pro Subdued In the Act by Victim

“It’s like I told me mate, right,” said the victim, 26 year-old Raffe Wills of Perth Australia. “It’s not like no other mate never given me a wristy before. I mean, in the mines of WA you’re bound to get the odd rough man-job a time or two. But when you’re in Bali on holiday, mate, and the wristy artist turns out to be not only a bloke, but your childhood idol, it’s enough to drive a geezer mad!”

Inside Made’s Warung above the famed Bukit break of Bingin, Willsey claimed he noticed the “Shelia’s” intimate resemblance to Pipe Master Rob Machado once the Banchong turned her/his hand over in order to perform the “Western Grip.” Willsey’s eyes met those of the perpetrator’s, and the fanatic follower of celebrity goofy foots marked a certain something in the subtle wink. “First I just thought this was one hairy Indo cunt, but those eyes are unmistakable, mate. I felt pity and rage and shame and, not thinking right, I grabbed the cunt—a lot scrawnier than you’d accept with all that hair, like a thick cat become wet, and I beat him as Pipeline never did.”

The legend of the “Bingin Banchong,” or “Hairy Wayan,” or “Indo Lady Sasquash,” has grown over the last two years. In a culture in which men are often raised in the arts of womanhood and accepted into the community as full partners, Banchongs move about without notice. The fact that this particular Banchong was in fact a famous Western athlete, many say, slipped under the radar because of the prodigious hair and the deeply tanned face.

“Okay look, I didn’t think she was a keeper. I was on me way to Kuta regardless,” said Roger Drake, Willsey’s traveling partner and second in line for the hand job. “But it’s like any holiday place that becomes too popular—the freaks really show their seedy side. I mean, Bali has been on the surfing world’s radar since 1972, and all of these sponoed-seppo cunts [American Pros] act like they discovered the place. What I have to say to them is: Why don’t you take your millions to some place where you’ll pay a touch more than 20,000 rupes for a hand job.”

This is when Willsey stepped in to correct his partner: “But Drako, the cunt was only doin’ em for free mate, that’s why you was waitin’ after me.”

In fact, once Willsey subdued the alleged surf celebrity, local police were called out to the scene. The police took the Banchong into their custody, but Willsey claimed the he/she pulled a cell phone from its thick mane and quickly dialed.

“‘Riz . . . Riz, you have to help, me.’ The thing said Rizal’s name with an American accent, mate, and that’s even further proof it was him. I think Rizal Tanjung put Machado up to this nonsense,” Drako said. “Maybe as part of his movie, or some marketing stunt. For Christ’s sake, Christian Fletcher and his monkey were hanging around last season, how’s a cunt gonna top that?”

After in depth research, Bali’s Brobot reporter discovered that indeed, the legend of the Bingin Banchong described an incredibly ugly man-lady who performed “wristies” without charge. Many of her victims refused to believe the recent link between Rob Machado and the acts that they’d experienced. Further, all agree that the acts were performed with the humble hospitality that they always encountered from the Balinese people. Others claimed to have seen their Banchong paddling an SUP board on flat days, and at least one say he’d seen his lady friend surfing well for a girl at Uluwatu.

Banchon SUPs

Banchong SUPs

Willsey and Drako maintain that after the hairy perpetrator put a call through to it’s contact, the police cell phones rang instantly. Following brief conversations, the authorities released their charge with sincere apologies to the perpetrator and only after 50,000 Rupiah bribes each, allowed Willsey and Drako to go free.


Martinez Mexes-Up for World Title Run

February 27, 2009

 

Santa Barbara California

Bobby Martinez Aztlan

Bobby Martinez to represent Aztlan

 

Santa Barbara native Bobby Martinez, a former 7-time NSSA National Champion and the ASP WCT’shighest rated California surfer of 2008, has announced that he will no longer be representing California or The United States of America on the 2009 ASP World Surfing Tour.

“This is a sad day for American surfing” stated Janice Aragon, NSSA director during Bobby’s amateur reign.

After continuing to ramp up his latino image throughout his emergence on the ASP World Tour, Martinez had apparently intended to enter 2009’s competitive season surfing for Mexico but after an alleged botched attempt to smuggle the young pro south to Tijuana via one of the Arellano-Felix Cartel’s drug tunnels and a previous paddle-across attempt (stymied by water quality issues in neighboring Imperial Beach) Martinez decided to stay in his own barrio of central “Aztlan” and fight the good fight. As he pulled up to our interview, his truck was conspicuously bare of the usual bevy of sponsors stickers and instead bore a simple slogan writ large in Old English on a tattered bumper sticker:“Aztlan: Love it or Leave it.”

“Bobby,” who has asked be referred to only by his given name, Roberto, is also dropping the nickname “BMart” as “it sounds too much like a “cut rate retail operation indicative of the oppressive imperialist and racist policies we are wishing to combat in this decision, eh?”

Bobby or, perdon, “Roberto” has thus decided to pull out of competing for his native U.S. to represent “Aztlan”, the spiritual Aztec homeland that encompasses much of the western coast of North America, including his birthplace in central California. Robert Gerard, Rules and Disciplinary Judge, for the ASP World tour, commented “The ASP simply cannot allow its surfers to represent “made-up” countries.”

Contesting the notion that Aztlan is a made-up country, Martinez noted that, “The ASP already sanctions competitors from Euskadi (a semi-autonomous region of northwest Spain and southwest France often called the Basque country) and Hawaii (the not so largely-autonomous 50th State of The United States of America), so in response to the ASP’s decision not to honor competitors from Aztlan, I say ‘No way, guey.’”

Roberto has also announced that he will seek legal guidance in his case to represent Aztlan as its first international star athlete from Mr. Esteban Zul, the officially recognized Ambassador of Aztlan to Cuba. Mr. Zul was quick to mention that Aztlan was the only one of the three “made-up countries” to join “The Coalition of the Willing” offering 500 homies to Bush’s war effort in 2007, and stated that “the ASP’s decision to allow competitors from Euskadi and Hawaii was an important show of politically solidarity in the revolutionary processes of those regions but would lack any real meaning going forward were it to exclude the latino struggle for Aztlan in its campaign to represent indigenous peoples movements.

“It’s really hypocritical,” Mr. Zul noted, “and no coincidence that unlike Euskadi and Hawaii, Aztlan is home to the center of the surf world’s imperialist capitalist ventures.” And perhaps it is no coincidence either then that Broberto ( as Brobot likes to call him) is the only Top 10 surfer headed into the 2009 WCT Season without a major sponsor—or a country to call his casa.

-Brobot

When Robert Gerard was reached for further comment he asked only that we “drop this nonsense of made-up countries” and focus on his intervention in Coco Ho’s notorious 2008 interference against Layne Beachley other high profile issues.


INSIDE THE SLATER DOME

December 11, 2008

slaterdome-header-main

 

Where Debate Always Rages

Brobot recently caught up with 9-time world champ Kelly Slater at the New York City celebration for his second official “tell-nothing” biography. A “who’s who” of NYC glitz and glamour, the event definitely captured the grandeur of a man who’s earned two biographies in his 36 years. Slater graciously signed first edition copies for fans, and even sat for rare interviews. Sal Masekela, host of E! Entertainment’s Daily 10, asked questions like: “What does the champ eat for breakfast?” or “When you think about love, what do you think about?” and “Do those love feelings get into your song writing?” and “Do you think you’ll write more nice songs after you retire?”

Brobot, of course, took charge of the opportunity to pry away answers to his readers’ most thought provoking questions. Slater’s thousand-yard-gaze met Brobot’s ocular consul, the two shook hands, and they sat down to business.

Brobot: So champ, if you don’t mind, let’s really talk about matters of the heart. The public is wondering whether it was Pam or Tommy Lee who gave you Hep C.

Slater: (silence, looks around for manager)

Brobot: Oh . . . So, sorry, wrong opening question. That one was meant for Kid Rock . . . My bad . . . stupid robot.

Slater: (further silence)

Brobot: Okay . . . Well, next question: when you were living with your college girl and her roommates earlier last year, did you kick in anything for rent?

Slater: (agitated silence, shifting in seat)

Brobot: Munchies, study snacks . . . anything? Blink if it was over fifty dollars . . . No? Alright. So, you recently told the L.A. Times, quote, “I’ve always worked on my mind and my emotions.” Does dating a girl who none of your friends or competitors have ever hooked up with (except Dane Ward, of course) feed into that?

Slater: (cold silence)

Brobot: But you’re not friends with Leo DiCaprio, are you?

Slater: (stony silence)

Brobot: Because sources have told my staff that after dating Giselle Bundchen and Bar Rafaeli, who were both connected to Leo at one time, you called Leo up, introduced yourself and asked if the two of you could still be “cool”—because, well, you were chillin’ with his former dates.

Slater: (angry silence)

Brobot: And sources say that Leo’s response was: “Who are you?” Is that true?

Slater: (Rises in seat)

Brobot: Champ, wait . . . When you told Andy Irons you loved him just before your Pipe Masters final together, did you mean it?

Slater: (Begins to leave)

Brobot: Do you think your later rejection of him, has fueled his current turmoil?


At that point Slater’s manager terminated the interview.

 

Stay tuned for an even deeper foray Inside the Slater Dome!

 


Monkey’s Got Fletcher’s Back

December 2, 2008

Fletcher and Monkey bust air

Fletcher and Monkey bust air

Primate Side-kick Opens Up About Adult Relationship

Earlier this year, Brobot learned that aerial pioneer Christian Fletcher had obtained a new side-kick during an extended stay on the Indonesian island of Bali. Yet Medusa, as the small monkey is called, has ascended mere companionship, and has taken on the “co-pilot” position in the visionary surfer’s next performance innovation.

According to sources, Fletcher claims that he won’t leave the island until he gets barreled at Padang Padang with Medusa on his back. In a recent conversation with Brobot, the monkey confirmed the goal, and said that the only question now, is whether he or Fletcher will drag hands on the barrel’s face. If he gets the nod, Medusa would prefer the double-handed stall perfected by Tom Curren, but he’d settle for the roof drag made famous by Andy Irons. And if Fletcher insists, the monkey may just flip a finger at the camera.

When Brobot commented on the incredible athleticism and unity between the two knuckle-draggers, Medusa commented, “I think we were the last two looking for a relationship. I know I wasn’t.”

Fletcher and monkey bust more air!

Fletcher and monkey bust more air!

The following is a partial transcript of that conversation:

Brobot: So Monkey, not to be blunt, but what the hell has Christian Fletcher been doing in Bali all these months?

Fletcher’s Monkey: He’s on a spiritual type . . . quest . . . to, um, get to the other side of gnarly. I mean, we all know that Fletcher’s gnarly, but he’s taking it further. Pushing the envelop, so to speak.

Brobot: And you’re with him on this quest.

Monkey: Yeah, we’re roll dogs. We get gnarly together.

Brobot: Can you give me an example?

Monkey: Well sure, like, one time Fletcher’s driving a van full of heads down to Desert Point on Lombok. He’s jammin’, squirlin’ out and getting gnarly. Then, just as we’re coming up on the spot, Fletcher says, “Monkey, take the wheel.” And I do.

Brobot: But monkeys can’t drive.

Monkey: I know. We crashed.

Brobot: And some of the passengers, some of your crew, were injured.

Monkey: Yeah, pussies . . . not gnarly at all. I mean, you could lose more skin on Uluwatu’s “racetrack.” So, we kicked the whiners out of the van—we’re rollin’ with different heads now.

Brobot: If we can be frank for a moment, is Fletcher on the lam from authorities in the U.S.? Is that why Surfer magazine wrote that he’s “in so deep, he’s never coming back?”

Monkey: Hard to say. I haven’t seen anything . . . wasn’t there . . . pleading the 5th on that one, and besides, I don’t know anything more that a monkey should know.

Brobot: Rumor has it, though, that the arrest involved a tranny hooker in Los Angeles.

Monkey: No, no, you must be thinking of RVCA’s last team photo shoot with Mickey Avalon. I mean, that guy’s a fruit cake.

Brobot: So, I suppose there are subjects that can’t be broached even between robot and monkey. But tell me a little about your day-to-day life, you’ve become quite famous as Fletcher’s “roll dog.”

Monkey: Yeah, I mean, it’s like the other day. Chris Ward recognizes me and tries to give me a book as part of his literacy program for the Top 44—that’s when I knew I’d reached another level.

Brobot: What was the book about?

Monkey: Like I told Wardo, “What the fuck? Monkeys can’t read!”

Brobot: What did Chris Ward say to that?

Monkey: He said that Bruce Irons told him the same thing but that Brucey eventually took the book and had someone read it to him.

Brobot: And did Fletcher read your book to you?

Monkey: No, he’s vowed not to read until we achieve our goals . . .  I mean, there’s doing and there’s reading about it—and reading about people doing is just not gnarly.

Monkey rollin' with Fletcher

Monkey rollin' with Fletcher

Monkey rolls with Fletcher

Brobot: So I notice that you and Fletcher look so much alike, you even dress alike sometimes. Is that a conscious kind of decision, or just happenstance from hanging together.

Monkey: Can’t say. I don’t dress myself.

Brobot: Who dresses you?

Monkey: Fletcher.

Brobot: Oh, right, that began to occur after you . . .

Monkey: Shit on his shoulder. It happened at Ocean Beach, the club in Kuta. But we’re past that now. I mean, it’s not as if he never shit himself.

Brobot: And about the quest to get barreled at Padang Padang together?

Monkey: Yeah, we’re still working on that—practicing flipping the bird and grabbing my junk for the cameras.

Brobot: But any chance of nailing the shack soon?

Monkey:  Yeah, um, I gotta go. Fletcher wants to go grab a mushroom shake, but thanks for the chat.

Brobot: Thanks, and best of luck, Monkey.

Monkey: Yeah, stay gnarly, Brobot.

Brobot on his way home from Bali

Brobot on his way home from Bali