Hazzas Sink Dingo’s Career

February 10, 2010

A Brobot pictorial

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Monkey_speaking bubble hazza

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Glossary:Boysas—the “boys,” a term originating from the notorioius D-bah Boardriders Club.Coolie—Coolangatta, Gold Coast, Australia. Example: “Tell that Coolie cunt to stop pissing on my fresh laundry.”

—A versatile Australian pronoun used to describe any object, animate or otherwise, but especially persons, male or female. Example: “Oi cunt, tell that cunt of a fucking cunt to get fucked. Cunt!”

Devo’d—Abbreviation for devastated.

—Fucked, Screwed, S.O.L., knackered, finished, done.

Hazzas—Coolangatta blundertwins Shawn and Dean Harrington, exceptional free-surfers and legendary partiers.

Mongrel—Going feral, animal-style, getting on the hate juice, hair farming and letting one’s self go.

Moose—A drinking game involving making antlers out of one’s fingers and sculling whatever liquor and lager is at hand. Moose often ends with virgins de-flowered and grommets abused.

Newies—Toohey’s New, a popular beer label.

Oi—Exclamation, as in “Aussie! aussie! aussie! oi! oi!  oi!” Or, “Oi, cunt, get off me sista. It’s my turn!”

On the piss—An Australian form of breathing, in which alcohol substitutes for air.

Piggy—A character who is ritually sacrificed by his peers in William Golding’s novel “The Lord of The Flies.”

Rabbit—Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew, 1978 world champ, Coolie legend, Dingo’s informal adoptive father, and former ASP president.

Scull—To chug, pound, turn bottoms up. Example: “Oi, you fat cunt, scull that Newie! Fisher is leaving with your lady. You poof.”

Toohey’s—Australian beer brand, i.e. Toohey’s Extra Dry, Toohoey’s New, etc.

Twig and berries—Penis and testicles, frank and beans, package, junk, naughty bits.

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Grubby Clark Shuts Down Ocean

December 5, 2009

Clark delighted to see ocean silented

Clark delighted to see ocean silenced

December 5th, 2008

At 12:18 p.m. today, three years after the sudden and unexpected closure of Clark Foam, Grandpa Gordon “Grubby” Clark announced that he has literally “shut down” the ocean. The statement arrived via fax machines at entities as disparate as NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration), SIMA (Surf Industry Manufacturer’s Association), Gov. Schwarzenegger’s office and the White House.

The fax claimed that “any swell now in the world’s oceans merely represents resonant storm activity, and the ocean will go completely flat in 7 to 10 days time.” Much like the cryptic fax of 2005, which caused upheaval throughout the surf world, the statement contained no explanation for the seemingly chaotic, and mean-spirited decision.

While pundits argue how such a feat could possibly be attained, those close to Clark’s former operation insist that his claims must be given credence. News of the ocean closure rippled through Congress as well as the nation’s scientific community today, yet first to take decisive action was Billabong USA’s C.E.O. Paul Naude. The South African surf industry magnate sent big-wave riders Mike “Snips” Parsons and partner Brad Gerlach into the deep sea, abreast their jet skis, with a mandate to quickly discover the source of the cloggage. Gerlach reportedly surrendered a spot at a casting call for “Gossip Girl,” to take up the challenge. Parson’s wouldn’t cease preparation for even a moment to comment on the unprecedented adventure.

“Bru, this mandate outweighs the Billabong XXL awards exponentially,” Naude said. “How can we be expected to support Andy’s rehabilitation without surf affiliated T-shirt sales?”

Meanwhile, Surfline.com’s Sean Collins is said to have attained a portion of the recent $700 billion bailout package. The funds were intended to advance his work with the wind turbine industry in an attempt to create “subscription-based” surfing. According to insiders, the technology allows Surfline.com to focus a wave, within three meters, at any given subscriber (but only for “premium members”).

“Without this wind turbine thing, surfers have no hope of hitting a lip anywhere,” a source close to Collins said. “He’s finally found a way to corner the market. We anticipate he’ll acquire Baja California at any moment now. He’s setting himself up to be the new ‘Grubby Clark.'”

Critics of the real Grubby Clark remain confident in the opinion: “Still piping hot he wasn’t able to squash all of surfing in 2005, it appears that he’s finally cemented his legacy.”

At the very least, say many shapers, it will ruin another Holiday season for surfboard craftsmen everywhere.

Schematic used in engineering the Ocean Shut Down Machine

Schematic used in engineering the Ocean Shut Down Machine

Notorious Bingin Banchong Revealed to Be Surf Star Rob Machado

July 14, 2009
Banchong and Friend

Banchong and Friend

Hurley Pro Subdued In the Act by Victim

“It’s like I told me mate, right,” said the victim, 26 year-old Raffe Wills of Perth Australia. “It’s not like no other mate never given me a wristy before. I mean, in the mines of WA you’re bound to get the odd rough man-job a time or two. But when you’re in Bali on holiday, mate, and the wristy artist turns out to be not only a bloke, but your childhood idol, it’s enough to drive a geezer mad!”

Inside Made’s Warung above the famed Bukit break of Bingin, Willsey claimed he noticed the “Shelia’s” intimate resemblance to Pipe Master Rob Machado once the Banchong turned her/his hand over in order to perform the “Western Grip.” Willsey’s eyes met those of the perpetrator’s, and the fanatic follower of celebrity goofy foots marked a certain something in the subtle wink. “First I just thought this was one hairy Indo cunt, but those eyes are unmistakable, mate. I felt pity and rage and shame and, not thinking right, I grabbed the cunt—a lot scrawnier than you’d accept with all that hair, like a thick cat become wet, and I beat him as Pipeline never did.”

The legend of the “Bingin Banchong,” or “Hairy Wayan,” or “Indo Lady Sasquash,” has grown over the last two years. In a culture in which men are often raised in the arts of womanhood and accepted into the community as full partners, Banchongs move about without notice. The fact that this particular Banchong was in fact a famous Western athlete, many say, slipped under the radar because of the prodigious hair and the deeply tanned face.

“Okay look, I didn’t think she was a keeper. I was on me way to Kuta regardless,” said Roger Drake, Willsey’s traveling partner and second in line for the hand job. “But it’s like any holiday place that becomes too popular—the freaks really show their seedy side. I mean, Bali has been on the surfing world’s radar since 1972, and all of these sponoed-seppo cunts [American Pros] act like they discovered the place. What I have to say to them is: Why don’t you take your millions to some place where you’ll pay a touch more than 20,000 rupes for a hand job.”

This is when Willsey stepped in to correct his partner: “But Drako, the cunt was only doin’ em for free mate, that’s why you was waitin’ after me.”

In fact, once Willsey subdued the alleged surf celebrity, local police were called out to the scene. The police took the Banchong into their custody, but Willsey claimed the he/she pulled a cell phone from its thick mane and quickly dialed.

“‘Riz . . . Riz, you have to help, me.’ The thing said Rizal’s name with an American accent, mate, and that’s even further proof it was him. I think Rizal Tanjung put Machado up to this nonsense,” Drako said. “Maybe as part of his movie, or some marketing stunt. For Christ’s sake, Christian Fletcher and his monkey were hanging around last season, how’s a cunt gonna top that?”

After in depth research, Bali’s Brobot reporter discovered that indeed, the legend of the Bingin Banchong described an incredibly ugly man-lady who performed “wristies” without charge. Many of her victims refused to believe the recent link between Rob Machado and the acts that they’d experienced. Further, all agree that the acts were performed with the humble hospitality that they always encountered from the Balinese people. Others claimed to have seen their Banchong paddling an SUP board on flat days, and at least one say he’d seen his lady friend surfing well for a girl at Uluwatu.

Banchon SUPs

Banchong SUPs

Willsey and Drako maintain that after the hairy perpetrator put a call through to it’s contact, the police cell phones rang instantly. Following brief conversations, the authorities released their charge with sincere apologies to the perpetrator and only after 50,000 Rupiah bribes each, allowed Willsey and Drako to go free.

OccyCotton Scourge

June 8, 2008


Brobot Report
Occycotton: a scourge on the Association of Surfing Professionals

According to an ASP watch-group, an insidious drug has invaded the ranks of the top 44. The powerful “Occycotton”—thought to have seeped into the professional surfing tour during the 1980s before waning and rising again with a brief climax in 1999—has again reared its ugly head among the surf world’s elite. Says a concerned observer, “Like some hangover from the ’80s, it now just seems to hang around ASP events, a sick commentary on today’s competitive scene.”

In recent months top ranked surfers have skipped heats, made debauched efforts and have complained of a general “over it” type syndrome. The wild behavior has forced pundits to consider whether it’s enough for today’s athletes to be well paid, adulated and ushered from one great wave to the next.

According to an official statement, the ASP pointed out that its regulations on the use of both prescription and non-prescription drugs are focused solely on “performance enhancers.” The fact that Occycotton appears to make generally “in-form” surfers “suck,” the statement continued, does not fall into the purview of any ASP sanctions. When asked whether the ASP would confront this epidemic at all, an official who asked not to be named said, “No, because the sponsors are successfully pretending it’s not happening, and we totally support that strategy.”

The shape of this malaise, some have commented, resembles the interestingly proportioned head of famed surfer Mark “Occy” Occhilupo. Ironically, others have argued that the affected pros share similar points of contact with the revered former champ. Friends and traveling mates of the legendary goofy-foot seem to have fallen into the glut Occhilupo suffered from 1987 to 1997.

Many disagree with the allusion, however, citing that fact that Occhilupo retired in 2007 and therefore could not be the source of the Occycotton epidemic.

– Brobot

* In an effort of full disclosure, the Brobot must report that he “experimented” with Occycotton in the ’80s, but because he is a robot, he did not actually get “high.”

** Fully-full complete disclosure: noticing a recent upward trend in Occycotton use, the Brobot has attempted to jump “back on the band wagon,” in hopes of reaping whatever “street cred” the attempted addiction will lend him.

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