Martinez Mexes-Up for World Title Run

February 27, 2009

 

Santa Barbara California

Bobby Martinez Aztlan

Bobby Martinez to represent Aztlan

 

Santa Barbara native Bobby Martinez, a former 7-time NSSA National Champion and the ASP WCT’shighest rated California surfer of 2008, has announced that he will no longer be representing California or The United States of America on the 2009 ASP World Surfing Tour.

“This is a sad day for American surfing” stated Janice Aragon, NSSA director during Bobby’s amateur reign.

After continuing to ramp up his latino image throughout his emergence on the ASP World Tour, Martinez had apparently intended to enter 2009’s competitive season surfing for Mexico but after an alleged botched attempt to smuggle the young pro south to Tijuana via one of the Arellano-Felix Cartel’s drug tunnels and a previous paddle-across attempt (stymied by water quality issues in neighboring Imperial Beach) Martinez decided to stay in his own barrio of central “Aztlan” and fight the good fight. As he pulled up to our interview, his truck was conspicuously bare of the usual bevy of sponsors stickers and instead bore a simple slogan writ large in Old English on a tattered bumper sticker:“Aztlan: Love it or Leave it.”

“Bobby,” who has asked be referred to only by his given name, Roberto, is also dropping the nickname “BMart” as “it sounds too much like a “cut rate retail operation indicative of the oppressive imperialist and racist policies we are wishing to combat in this decision, eh?”

Bobby or, perdon, “Roberto” has thus decided to pull out of competing for his native U.S. to represent “Aztlan”, the spiritual Aztec homeland that encompasses much of the western coast of North America, including his birthplace in central California. Robert Gerard, Rules and Disciplinary Judge, for the ASP World tour, commented “The ASP simply cannot allow its surfers to represent “made-up” countries.”

Contesting the notion that Aztlan is a made-up country, Martinez noted that, “The ASP already sanctions competitors from Euskadi (a semi-autonomous region of northwest Spain and southwest France often called the Basque country) and Hawaii (the not so largely-autonomous 50th State of The United States of America), so in response to the ASP’s decision not to honor competitors from Aztlan, I say ‘No way, guey.’”

Roberto has also announced that he will seek legal guidance in his case to represent Aztlan as its first international star athlete from Mr. Esteban Zul, the officially recognized Ambassador of Aztlan to Cuba. Mr. Zul was quick to mention that Aztlan was the only one of the three “made-up countries” to join “The Coalition of the Willing” offering 500 homies to Bush’s war effort in 2007, and stated that “the ASP’s decision to allow competitors from Euskadi and Hawaii was an important show of politically solidarity in the revolutionary processes of those regions but would lack any real meaning going forward were it to exclude the latino struggle for Aztlan in its campaign to represent indigenous peoples movements.

“It’s really hypocritical,” Mr. Zul noted, “and no coincidence that unlike Euskadi and Hawaii, Aztlan is home to the center of the surf world’s imperialist capitalist ventures.” And perhaps it is no coincidence either then that Broberto ( as Brobot likes to call him) is the only Top 10 surfer headed into the 2009 WCT Season without a major sponsor—or a country to call his casa.

-Brobot

When Robert Gerard was reached for further comment he asked only that we “drop this nonsense of made-up countries” and focus on his intervention in Coco Ho’s notorious 2008 interference against Layne Beachley other high profile issues.


INSIDE THE SLATER DOME

December 11, 2008

slaterdome-header-main

 

Where Debate Always Rages

Brobot recently caught up with 9-time world champ Kelly Slater at the New York City celebration for his second official “tell-nothing” biography. A “who’s who” of NYC glitz and glamour, the event definitely captured the grandeur of a man who’s earned two biographies in his 36 years. Slater graciously signed first edition copies for fans, and even sat for rare interviews. Sal Masekela, host of E! Entertainment’s Daily 10, asked questions like: “What does the champ eat for breakfast?” or “When you think about love, what do you think about?” and “Do those love feelings get into your song writing?” and “Do you think you’ll write more nice songs after you retire?”

Brobot, of course, took charge of the opportunity to pry away answers to his readers’ most thought provoking questions. Slater’s thousand-yard-gaze met Brobot’s ocular consul, the two shook hands, and they sat down to business.

Brobot: So champ, if you don’t mind, let’s really talk about matters of the heart. The public is wondering whether it was Pam or Tommy Lee who gave you Hep C.

Slater: (silence, looks around for manager)

Brobot: Oh . . . So, sorry, wrong opening question. That one was meant for Kid Rock . . . My bad . . . stupid robot.

Slater: (further silence)

Brobot: Okay . . . Well, next question: when you were living with your college girl and her roommates earlier last year, did you kick in anything for rent?

Slater: (agitated silence, shifting in seat)

Brobot: Munchies, study snacks . . . anything? Blink if it was over fifty dollars . . . No? Alright. So, you recently told the L.A. Times, quote, “I’ve always worked on my mind and my emotions.” Does dating a girl who none of your friends or competitors have ever hooked up with (except Dane Ward, of course) feed into that?

Slater: (cold silence)

Brobot: But you’re not friends with Leo DiCaprio, are you?

Slater: (stony silence)

Brobot: Because sources have told my staff that after dating Giselle Bundchen and Bar Rafaeli, who were both connected to Leo at one time, you called Leo up, introduced yourself and asked if the two of you could still be “cool”—because, well, you were chillin’ with his former dates.

Slater: (angry silence)

Brobot: And sources say that Leo’s response was: “Who are you?” Is that true?

Slater: (Rises in seat)

Brobot: Champ, wait . . . When you told Andy Irons you loved him just before your Pipe Masters final together, did you mean it?

Slater: (Begins to leave)

Brobot: Do you think your later rejection of him, has fueled his current turmoil?


At that point Slater’s manager terminated the interview.

 

Stay tuned for an even deeper foray Inside the Slater Dome!